i don't know my enneagram
hitting self-awareness walls.
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Last year I was briefly seeing a man who had a romance manual. This manual broke down his personality types and how his romantic expression manifested within each type. In theory, anyone he dated could use this as a point of reference for how he was behaving toward them. I was intrigued, though slightly hesitant. While as a rule of thumb, I’d like to date people who consider how they show up in relationships, this felt like self-awareness to the nth degree. And ultimately, when the relationship didn’t progress, it wasn’t because I hadn’t studied his handbook closely enough, yah now?
Maybe the idea of a manual stuck in my craw because there was something I saw of myself in this hyper self-analysis. I can identify with categorizing myself to an extreme level. I am driven by this type of introspection and find power in it. This also means that I ruminate a lot. I’ve been thinking (and writing: see below) about this lately, particularly, the limits of having so much self-awareness.
When do we reach the limits of self-awareness?
Sati is a Pali word that translations to “memory”. In the Satipattahana Sutta, one of the functions of sati is memory or to remember. We want to remember and be able to learn from the past. This can be a tightrope if you are heady and find safety in information. My obsessive thoughts would have me replay and recall, ad infinitum. The mind is in search of a piece of information that would provide me the “right answer”, some certainty that I will be able to scan a mental encyclopedia to respond to triggers skillfully. Personally, it is a misuse of sati to apply it so compulsively.
Re: the romance manual, on dates with this fellow, conversations often got filtered through the manual. I experienced an assessment happening that created a barrier to connection. Something similar happens to me when I get caught up in my own thoughts. When I am assessing a thought and going into a loop, I am dissociating and losing connection with myself. There’s a way in which searching for more information about yourself can be a method of being in avoidance of the self. When I am in search of a new healing modality or feel compelled to explore a new type of therapy, I have to check in with myself. Do I really need a round of ketamine infusions or am I looking for a quick fix to an emotion that presently feels unbearable? More often than not, it is the latter.
A closer examination of the Satipattahana Sutta reveals that sati functions as awareness of the present moment. Remembering practice is being available to the conditions of my life. Remembering practice is remembering not to disassociate through thinking and returning to my body - creating safety in my body and mind rather than searching outside of myself.
I don’t know my Enneagram. I also don’t know my Myers-Briggs or Human Design chart.* I do know my attachment style and my birth chart, among other things. Whether it’s the Enneagram or a birth chart, these are all systems of understanding ourselves. They aren’t The Answer but can provide a framework for turning inward toward personal awakening / buddha-nature.
Tell me about it! Do you hit these self-awareness walls? Leave a comment and let me know. As always, thank you for reading. I hope something in here closes the gap between you and me.
xo Jessica
*But please continue to tell me about yours, I genuinely want to know.
I wrote on very similar themes for Tricycle Meditation Month 2023
The inclination to know rests deeply in my bones. The acquisition and holding of knowledge is a cloak that—if I’m not being mindful of—I can wrap myself in as a defense against actually being with my difficult feelings. However, the inevitability of feeling has a way of coming forward one way or another. Instead of searching for something to grasp, we can repeatedly turn the mind toward what is known: all things are of nature to change. Our only inheritance is impermanence and the truth that conditions will rise and fall.
Read “Doubt Is My Best Friend” at Tricyle
Engaging Artists Fellowship 2023
Last month, I began my year as a More Art Engaging Artists Fellow. The program is designed to help emerging NYC artists and community organizers develop and sustain a socially engaged and public art practice. I’m excited to grow with this cohort of artists and to share my project with y’all as it develops.
Work with me.
You can find me weekly at Heal Haus, monthly at Inner Fields and five days a week at Arena.
🌞