audrey in the bardo
saying goodbye to my sweet, weirdo-freak, love bomb of a cat
More than most things, death will ask you to pay close attention, usually, maybe exclusively, when you are not ready.
Yesterday was Audrey’s last day Earthside.
My sweet, weirdo-freak, love bomb of a cat and I spent 14 years as human-animal companions. I’m really humbled bc she is my first pet and I’ve never lived through the experience of assisting a non-human being across the finish line of living. I had no idea how singularly intense this experience would be. Like, all my rationality flew out the window the moment I learned she was sick. That was less than three weeks ago, two days after the election, nine days before moving homes, and 59 days after my Aunty Fenny’s passage, another death that occurred after a quick diagnosis, only about two months. I feel incredibly sad and, again, incredibly humbled, by death, by the fragility of living, by the depth of love.
My wise friend
shared these words with me yesterday morning: “It is the most unfortunate fundamental law of this universe that you cannot have love without also experiencing loss. But it’s so so so worth it. I’m sorry you are losing such a sweet girl. But also very happy that you got to experience that profound love.”
I was going to write to you about the election results, how to build discernment so that you know what you’re feeling, the politics of wise discernment (which is wise effort), trailer markers, and blazes on the path. But this is what I have instead. In this time of big communal, global, suffering, I’m praying you have people to lean on for support. My gratitude this year is for the incredible family, friendship, and community holding me in this season of life.
In Buddhist cosmology, there is a 49-day period between death and rebirth called the Bardo. During this time, the spirit and energy of a being go through the process of being released. Audrey is now in the bardo, where I hope she is catching the perfect sunbeam to sleep in, watching squirrels, and eating endless Greenies. I’ll be chanting the Great Compassion Mantra for the next 49 days to assist her passage and her rebirth. If you have an animal in your life, give them a kiss and a squeeze, and invite me over to say hi to them. I need to pet your pets.
May Audrey, and all beings, enjoy love, joy, equanimity and higher rebirth,
Meet the perfect teacher(s) and attain enlightenment,
For the benefit of all beings without exception.
xo Jessica
IF YOU HAVE AN AILING PET
I am lucky that my dear friend
1 studied animal chaplaincy and was able to help me with resources and support over the last couple of weeks. One thing I found helpful was a quality of life assessment, which helped give me a measure of how Audrey was doing from day to day. As I said, my rationally went out the window once she got sick, and these assessments helped provide some grounding. Here are two:TLC In Home Vet Quality of Life Assessment and Tracking Chart
This blog post from Paws at Peace, “How will I know when it’s time to say goodbye?” was helpful as well. The author speaks about the ups and downs your pet experiences in their quality of life once they get sick, and about “The Cliff” or the point of time when your pet’s quality of life is only going to go downhill. She says the goal is to make the decision about end-of-life before they hit the cliff. I find this a little impossible, as personally, it would have been too heartbreaking for me to end Audrey’s life on one of her good days. I was also experiencing some delusion about her getting better. But it did become clear to me when she had gone over her cliff and once I had that clarity, I scheduled her end of life as soon as possible to minimize her suffering.
Aside from the comments on euthanasia, this Substack about how to help pets through death and the bardo helped me think through what sort of ceremony felt right and grounding myself in my dharma.
Lastly, I used Zen Dog Vet Care for an in-home euthanasia. If you’re at the point of needing to make this decision about your pet and the cost of in-home euthanasia is a barrier, please reach out. I would be happy to pay forward the generosity that has been offered to me, to you, in any way I can. It would also be an opportunity for me to dedicate the merit to Audrey.
Where to find me.
You can find me weekly at Heal Haus, five days a week at Arena, and often at 462 Halsey Community Farm.
🌞
Adriana is an incredibly skilled and talented socially engaged Buddhist educator and facilitator. Please subscribe to her newsletter and attend her offerings. https://www.adrianadifazio.com/
Oh Jessica. What a beautiful writing about sweet Audrey. I am so grateful for this and sending you care and ease.